Friends

Tuesday, June 23
CD20

Just hope this cycle isn't going to be abother long one, no signs of anything happening though...
Quiet day at work, lots of people on holidays but lots of fiddly, time-consuming things to do, so it felt good to get them all finished!
Had a long lunch with S at the People's Palace, we sat in the sun afterwards. She's sweet, I haven't really given her a chance before - she started at a bad time - I'll need to make an effort! It was very hard to drag ourselves back to work!
Mailed M, hope to meet up with her before our holidays. We don't meet often, but it gives us more to catch up on. The last couple of times have been sober affairs, she is so much more fun when there is alcohol involved...

Ill...

Monday, June 22
CD19
Feeling lousy, sore throat, stuffy nose... Early to bed I think, at least I don't feel like eating too much!

Fathers' Day...

Sunday, June 21
CD18
Very early morning with Mr T - "it's light in my room mummy, I'm hungry!" It was so early the cartoons weren't even on! Do I really want to do this again...?
Park again, nice walk about. Need to get some decent exercise this week though.

Not a good start

Saturday, June 20
CD17
Well, G decided not to go out so I didn’t do the DVD but I did the menu planning and shopping list and got an early night!
Today, took T to the park and had a run about so got some exercise, visited family too so a nice day all round.
Indian takeaway for dinner and chocolates – not a good night!

Back on the Rollercoaster - sort of...

Friday, June 19
CD16

I have decided – drumroll please… - we have to do the frozen embryo transfer. I was scared and hesitant, but there is no option really, it has to be done. Yes, the process is time-consuming, unpleasant and stressful, but really I have no option. I want another baby, I do, I really do. And I want it more than I want not to be hurt any more.

If it doesn’t work or if it does and something goes wrong later, none of that will be worse than having never tried at all. I don’t ever want to look back and think “I should have done that”. I have to know that I did everything I could, and if it doesn’t work out then I’ll deal with that at the time.

So I have to call the clinic and find out what to do, I can’t remember the whole process and I think they shut for two weeks in July. I also need to start eating healthier, cut down the wine and start exercising more. Simples…! (I love that meerkat!)

I will detail it all here and hopefully that will be an incentive to stick to it. I’m not happy with my size now anyway, so it’s not going to do any harm and if the FET doesn’t work I should look and feel better afterwards - which will help with Plan B (the natural approach!)

I’ve a quiet day at work & hoping to go home early since I worked on Wednesday, which is usually one of my days off. I’m in myself tonight so I can plan menus for next week, write a healthy shopping list and have a go at the “Davina – Super Body Workout” DVD. Wish me luck!

On another note – I have to stop watching CJ videos on YouTube – the addiction is getting out of hand… Much better to get an early night and get some practice in, iykwim! Think G got a nice surprise last night!

One week to go

Was out with a friend, M, on Wed night. She's the only one who knows about the FET. It's nice to have someone to talk to about it but I don't like to tell too many people because it just makes me feel under pressure, like you have to live up to all their expectations - weird I know.

She was asking if I've been on my health kick this time as I was slightly scarily obsessive the first two times. I consulted a herbalist (western) the first time and had to drink a foul-smelling, bright green, disgusting concoction three-times a day!

Second time I decided acupunture was the way to go. I think that did make a difference as I responded much better to all the drugs the second time but both treatments are so expensive, I just can't justify it this time.

But I am heavier this time and no where near as fit. I think that's why it's taken me so long to decide to go ahead, I kept thinking I should lose weight and get fit first.

But M mentioning it has made me think about it again, I'm probably not giving it my best shot, maybe subconciously I am too scared. Maybe I don't actually want it to work? Arghhh!

Worries

Can't stop worrying about this FET.
I mean, first of all there is no guarantee it'll work which will be the worst outcome possible.

But...if it does work then I don't know if it'll all work out okay. My first pregnancy ended at 17 weeks with premature labour, no cause was ever identified. The second pregnancy I was monitored a lot more, just incase, and they discovered my cervix starting to open at 22+6. This was by accident as it was completely shut at 21 weeks and they thought I was okay. I had a big bleed though so they scanned me to see why and discovered this instead!

I had a stitch put in and they said it may last up to six weeks. Four weeks and six days later I went into labour. 32 hours later at 28+1 our gorgeous son was born. By some miracle he is absolutely perfect!

The problem is, the doctor said they can put the stitch in at 14 weeks and it should last till full term, however they cannot guarantee that premature labour is not a separate problem.

I mean what are the chances of having fertility problems on both sides, incompetent cervix and prem labour?? Surely just one problem per couple would be sufficient!

So I have the risks associated with the op to put the stitch in, risk of prem labour and all the associated health risks to the baby. All while coping with a toddler...

Makes my head spin, just seems so scary no matter what way you look at it. The only problem is I don't think I'll be able to live with myself if we don't at least try.

So, eight days to go...